Tuesday, July 10, 2007

i've done an absolutely horrible job updating this with pictures, haven't i? well, too bad. laziness is a virtue.

i'm not just a junk food connoisseur, i'm also a junk food creator. this weekend, i whipped up* another batch of my absolute favorite coffeecake, aka "Blueberry Boy Bait." yes, that's really the name. no, i'm not making that up. really. i swear.

actually, this recipe is slightly altered from it's original incarnation, because that's how i roll. here's my version:

1 cup all-purpose flour + 1/2 cup cake flour + 1/2 cup almond flour
1 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
2/3 cup butter
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
1 cup milk
1 cup blueberries
1/2 cup oats

DIRECTIONS
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour a 9x13 inch baking dish.
In a large bowl, stir together the flours, sugars and salt. Cut in butter with a fork (or your grubby hands) sandy-textured. For the topping, measure out 3/4 cup of the mixture, add 1/2 cup oats, and set aside.

Stir baking powder and cinnamon into the remaining mixture. Lightly beat eggs with milk. Pour this mixture into the dry ingredients and stir just until moistened.

Spread batter evenly into the prepared pan. Sprinkle blueberries over the batter, and top with reserved crumb'n'oat mixture.

Bake for 40-50 minutes in the preheated oven, or until the cake springs back when lightly touched in the center.

* do not under any circumstances "whip" batter containing flour. that's a great way to end up with disgustingly tough baked goods.

-jfj

Monday, July 9, 2007

omg omg omg! i finally found the Elvis Reese's Peanut Butter Cups at my local Long's Drugs. first off, be aware that these are not normally-sized peanut butter cups. they are (hyuk hyuk) King Sized, and as such, they are enormously caloriffic.

the banana creme is not really "creme" so much as... uhh... i don't know what it is. it is quite firm, almost the same texture as the chocolate coating. it is easily separated from the rest of the cup, if that's the naughty sort of game you like to play with your candy.

the good news is, these are pretty damn tasty. the banana flavor is authentic, not that cloyingly artificial banana flavor you'd find in, say, a Laffy Taffy. and it really works with the slightly salty peanut butter glop. you know, i've also had the Reese's with Marshmallow and the Reese's with Caramel and i thought both of those tasted pretty much exactly like a regular PB cup. this one's probably my favorite, because it's different enough to be interesting but not so bizarre that it no longer resembles one of America's favorite fatty sweets.

the bad news is, presumably these are a limited edition, so get 'em while you can!

-jfj

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

i have an unusual fascination with limited edition products. i guess it's the only potential source of "unusual" flavors in the US. while folks in England enjoy stuff like this and our friends in Japan go crazy for this, we are stuck with an endless number of candy bars featuring some combination of chocolate, peanut butter and/or caramel.

so while i wait for Elvis Peanut Butter Cups to show up around here (i must've checked a dozen stores over the past week), i'll take a moment to reflect on the international kit kat phenomenon.

to be fair, we've seen some limited edition kit kats here, including Mocha, Orange & Creme and Cherry. but check out this wikipedia link for an idea of what the rest of the world (primarily japan) is blessed with.

it may not surprise you to learn that i've tried most of these. i'll upload a pic later. this is an embarrassingly expensive habit, since i usually have to resort to ebay for my fix. the best ones are usually the fruity flavors, like raspberry or blueberry cheesecake. the worst ones? pumpkin (not surprising!) and chestnut (smells like play-doh, tastes like... play-doh).

and now i see they're coming out with a kiwi fruit version... off to ebay i go :P

-jfj

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

good news, everyone! i bought a new camera. therefore, expect this blog to be positively riddled with pictures in the near-ish future.

until then, let's talk about cake. i've always been a big fan of cake done right: moist, fluffy layers of awesomeness slathered in (REAL) buttercream... mmmmm.... sadly, most cake these days tastes more like an old kitchen sponge. i guess the point is, you really should not count on a grocery store to make a decent cake. they are strictly utilitarian, made with the least amount of effort to appeal to 5-year olds at a birthday party.

however, seems like boutique bakeries are all the rage nowadays, and that's where you have to look.

Extraordinary Desserts - Never mind that someone recently got shot here (unfortunately i am not kidding). This place is super trendy and fairly expensive, but man is their cake delicious. last time i went there, i got a slice of this and practically burst into flames of delight. the actual cake is extremely moist and flavorful, frosted with thick, delicious (REAL) whipped cream. and then the whole thing is covered in white chocolate curls. somehow, it's satisfying but not too heavy. yes, it's at least 8,000,000 calories. who cares.

Just Fabulous - MAN o MAN, this place went out of business! i went here for my birthday last year and had a great time. they spent a great deal of time plating your dessert, so it arrives with a scoop of ice cream in a tuile bowl and some decorative swirls of sauce and candied almonds and chocolate shavings, etc etc. i assure you that such attention to detail does not go unnoticed by yours truly! apparently they still do special orders, but the cute little storefront in Kensington is kaput. oh well! the owner has been featured on Food Network Challenge a few times. i've heard she's something of a bitch in real life (one of my friends wanted to get her wedding cake made here...) but when your baked goods are this tasty, i'm more forgiving.

It's a Piece of Cake - ok, this is not exactly a boutique bakery. this is more like your regular old friendly neighborhood bakery, with a cheapo carafe of coffee on the counter and all sorts of cookies and basic pastries in the glass case. i imagine the bulk of their business is wedding cakes, but there is a tiny table in here if you just want to try a piece of whatever. and the best part? the prices are totally reasonable. can i just say that the white chocolate macadamia cake is SUPER DELICIOUS and it's only like $3.50 for a large-ish slice. it also helps that the owner is a lovely person and will gladly chat with you while you munch away.

-jfj

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

i think every junkfood junkie has a particular food to which they are, quite literally, addicted. i mean those foods that you are powerless to stop eating once you've started. even if your stomach starts to rebel, even if they no longer taste that great, you continue to eat and eat and eat until the bag/box/package is empty.


i actually have more than one, but all of them seem to follow the same nutritional profile: 99.9% sugar, .1% other. also, oddly enough, many of them are almost universally despised.


(1) Junior Mints - ok, i think most people are more or less ambivalent towards junior mints, so this one's not so controversial. nowadays it seems like the "normal" sized box is not enough to satisfy america's manly appetites, so they offer a jumbo movie-sized box as well as a super duper jumbo fatty-sized box. after a couple handfuls, you start to get a little queasy, but the box continues to call out to you until you consume each and every morsel of sugary glop. true story: i used to work near this drugstore that sold REALLY OLD junior mints. they were so old that the mints' typically gooey insides had crystallized into an unclassifiable crumbly, powdery substance. i loved them.


(2) Circus Peanuts - i personally don't know anyone else who enjoys these. admittedly, i only eat them probably once or twice a year myself, but sometimes i get an undeniable craving for artificially-flavored, enormous orange peanut-shaped oddities. maybe my brain is confused by the fact that these basically have the texture of sweet, fluffy air. but one or two is not enough, and i inevitably find myself on the floor, curled in the fetal position, with a sticky, empty bag by my side.


(3) Candy Corn - once again, this is something i don't eat frequently, mainly relegated to the weeks surrounding Halloween. but for me, candy corn is the most egregious example of this phenomenon. i can literally eat a pound of candy corn in one sitting, carefully separating the three colors with my front teeth. the link here is to Brach's, which is not my favorite, due to its slightly gummy texture. give me the cheapo store brand any day of the week.

-jfj

Monday, June 25, 2007

ok, so the point of this blog (as the rather self-explanatory name presumably makes clear) is to talk about my passion for crappy food. not crappy in terms of taste-- oh, no. junk food is nothing if not delicious. i mean crappy in terms of satisfying your USRDA of any nutritive substance.

my goal is to take you on a tour of the depths of human gluttony. i'm not ashamed to admit it. well, maybe a little ashamed, as evidenced by the lack of any identifying criteria. but i've been holding off on posting for a while because this blog will be nothing without pictures. i understand that. i'm here to provide a service, after all. and my current 3megapixel jobby is not up to snuff (not to mention inoperable) so i'm sorta slacking in that department.

nonetheless... today's topic is CLEARANCE CHOCOLATE
this is really hit-or-miss. usually the stuff you find on the clearance table is so utterly ravaged by bloom (you know, that white waxy stuff that makes chocolate look disgustingly chalky) that it's worthless.

however, my local Von's has a shelf of non-bloomed truffles, turtles and caramels that's currently marked down to 75% off. that's right, .25 on the dollar. omg. (maybe i need another blog, cheap-ass cheapie.) i bought a box of truffles and a box of caramels. total price: $4.50. i think it's about 12oz of chocolate, and of course i devoured them all over the course of the weekend.

...

don't judge me!

at any rate, these chocolates were produced by these chocolates were produced by Monterey Bay Chocolates. i don't know if they're going out of business or Von's is just clearing this stuff out, but they were actually pretty good (especially for the price!)

there's nothing worse than a bland caramel. luckily, these were exceptionally buttery, with a nice salty kick. personally, i prefer a really wet, flowing caramel. i know i am in the minority, but i'm way too lazy (with way too many fillings) to bother with really thick, chewy caramel. nevertheless, i rather enjoyed these.

ditto on the truffles. these certainly appeared to be hand-made, and they were (mostly) delightfully smooth and flavorful. one of the more interesting ones seemed to be a take on peanut butter and jelly: thick, almost crumbly peanut butter center with a chocolate coating that had been rolled in some sort of raspberry powder. cute idea, nicely executed!

the cremes were a different story, though. i'm not sure what these are... it's not a ganache, it's not a buttercreme. actually they taste like a fondant made from powdered sugar and glycerin and plenty of (artificial?) flavor. they were really sweet. really, really sweet. i'm talking, tongue-numbingly, throat-cloggingly sweet. and that is a strange thing for me to say, since i used to eat teaspoonsful of sugar, straight up, as a kid. the centers are rather loose and basically ooze all over your fingers after taking a bite. some of the flavors were not immediately identifiable-- at least, not until i took a closer look. the flavor may not have been readily apparent, but these centers were very brightly and very artificially colored. yup, that's ORANGE all right. i didn't exactly care for these, but as a clearance item, who can complain (and obv it didn't prevent me from eating them all...)

ok, as i said, no pictures. but you get the idea. as soon as i buy a new camera, i'll be sure to pack this place full of as many boring, junk food-related photos as possible! til then ...

-jfj

Sunday, June 17, 2007

watch this space.
-jfj